only by grace.

spent 4 hours figuring out 2 questions and still haven’t gotten the right answer. haha isn’t this interesting.

mugging is fun with Him.

on fathers and youngsters who despise themselves

this week alone pple around me seemed to speak what’s on my mind, and bogging me.

Extract from New Creation’s daily devotional:

Ephesians 1:6
He [God] made us accepted in the Beloved

Studies have shown that in the heart of every child is a cry for his father’s approval. Something happens when a father says to his boy, “Daddy is so proud of you.” Or when a father says to his girl, “You will always be Daddy’s favorite girl.”

…

The more we know how much we are loved and treasured by God, the more we can expect good things to happen in our lives. We can expect to be healthy and whole. When we realize that we are the objects of God’s love, instead of becoming easily frightened or threatened by anything or anyone, we become confident that we will win every fight of life.

_______________

i finally found the reason why im so sad/lost/melancholic/sian. here’s the conversation i had with my dad. I wanted to make an effort to talk to him (ps. Usually we never talk..)

me: I bought a car in the US

dad: no response

me: (ok he’s prob in shock, so let’s try again). It’s quite cheap.

dad: how much?

me: one thousand one hundred.

dad: hmph…

me: (after a damn long pause hoping he’s going to SAY something..) why? what’s wrong?

dad: … nothing… (and he speak so damn slowly it’s unnerving).. public transport in US is not very efficient.. that’s all i can say.

Full stop. Nothing else. he doesnt try to connect with me… nothing to get me excited about going there for exchange… nothing to say good job on the great deal.. nothing.

this was the result of trying to strike a conversation .. with my dad.

sad isn’t it.

well you can say that it’s quite a majestic topic.. ok so let’s try again later in the day when i got home:

dad: says nothing throughout the time i got home.

me: also nothing.

dad: (before he sleeps). WHAT TIME?

me: same, 7 o clock.

dad: walks off to his room to sleep.

Actually this is an improvement already. usually he’ll just whistle to me, and jerk his head, without a word. and all i would say is either “no need i go to mrt myself” or “7″.

that’s it. 2 words that signify our relationship. and he wakes up to drop me off to bukit batok mrt to take train to school. and he sits at the main door all ready to go at 6.45am (when it was supposed to be leaving the house at 7am). this means pressure to get out of the house.

And then when he drives, no words cross. a caveat here is that my dad is one of those drivers who never rushes, and always gives way, and is calm. But in the morning, he rams on the accelerator and jams break like nobody’s business. whY? because it seems like i’m a burden and he claims that by the time he gets to the expressway it would be jam like mad. on days he doesnt send me to mrt, he’s out of the house by 6.30am.

i dont want to be difficult. neither am i complaining. i’m just saying.. that boyfriends, husbands, read this: please do not become like that when u become a father. it almost seems as if i have a father who’s physically present but emotionally absent. and that’s plaguing me the whole day. because i set off to school thinking what the fuck am i doing as a daughter, as if i’m not making ENOUGH effort, and thinking im just a damn bloody burden to my dad, that we have gone on to such a stage.

I admit, i don’t really respect him as much as i used to. all i see is an old man with a huge belly who drags his feet when he walks (when he told me specifically not to when i was little) who comes out to the kitchen and keeps eating.. and eats so fast, and i always end up nagging at him to eat slowly, and take out all the fats coz it’s not good for his health. and he walks so damn bloody slow at home like it’s pain to be at home. and i hate myself for thinking this way. i hate it.

that’s why i’m always so sian. because i’m starved for love. my father cannot provide it. and i’m still grasping with how Jesus does provide everything.

_______________________________________________________________

the second issue is on youngsters who despise themselves. i finally understood what it meant when my prof spoke to me about his thoughts.. when someone claimed that there’s is no point in speaking out, challenging status quo, letting ourselves be heard when it’s not going to change. but collectivism will help.

and he said that it’s a pity that youngsters nowsadays despise themselves

• oh i’m not good enough… who’s going to listen to me

• oh what i say is not important

when in actual fact we’re living in a more fortunate environment than our forefathers, where the power distance is much lower. and we’re not using this God-given gift to the best of our abilities. to create the change that we want to see – because WE are the pple who will still be living in this society 20-30 years from now. and if we don’t speak up, we’ll just remain where we are, and merely bitch and complain.

oh well.. im so tired anw.

i want to talk about 2 more issues that’s plaguing me but i dont wanna type anymore. so byebye.

To Do List

Bid courses for exchange
Apply housing
Look for cheap air tickets
Study Tax
Print the act
Read Readings for 11,12 + Finish 10,11,1,2,3.
Extra assignment consultation
Prep for monday
Make new spectacles?
Order birks

Love my ass. literally. forgive the bluntness but i’m beginning to hate it cos i can feel it getting bigger when i keep sitting down the whole day.

Stop worrying.

Remember i have His peace. Let not my heart be troubled.

school can get fun.

my brother has officially graduated. no more studying. there’s this surreal look on him, i dunno whether to be jealous.

but oh well… i guess i’ll be there in a year’s time.

i’m more than just a pawn. ~take that people.

IP MAN 2

haha fight scenes are just awesome.
but less rich in storyline than the first i guess
still good. Wing Chun FTW

USD $3,530

my screwed up exchange university wants me to pay this amount – for some odd professional education i almost flipped this morning when i saw the email.

I’m protesting.